I am Ruby Destani Nicole and I don't want to attend this dinner. repeat. I am Ruby Destani Nicole and I do not want to attend this dinner. Louder, maybe mother can't here my thoughts over all the laughter and forks scraping against the china. I AM RUBY DESTANI NICOLE AND--.
"Ruby, tell your Uncle about your first day plans." She says giving me the knock it off look with her heel releasing pressure from my leg.
"Well, after we move all of my stuff I have to go get my ability ranking." I respond rubbing my outer thigh. My uncle doesn't seem too interested in my plans, right now his main goal seems to be to finish the steak before it gets cold. "And after that i'm going to go meet other people with my ability, other momentist!" He gives me the raised-eyebrow-face-in-food head nod. "And then I'm going to kill--"
"Ruby, you can't kill a dragon." My uncle responds.
- We have some really cool things here. I like the juxtaposition between the average boring dinner and the killing dragons/momentist thing. Nice!
- The voice is strong and tells us a lot about Ruby
- You do a great job of letting us know that the main character is a teenager girl with some underappreciated gifts. You did not say any of these things, but they show
- Keep it real. I can’t see that heel on someone’s thigh. That’s really high. Would someone really press a heel on their daughter’s thigh? A quick kick on the ankle seems more likely. This are small details, but they get the reader out of the story
- Also, keep up your “show, don’t tell”. Don’t tell me Uncle is more interested in the steak, show me.
- It seemed a bit odd to me that the uncle, who’s not interested in Ruby at all, interrupts her already knowing what she was gonna say. From the first part I got the feeling he was a guest for whom Ruby has to behave, not someone actually close to her
- Wouldn’t “momentist” be plural?
- FORMATTING! Thoughts are italicized. “she says” after quotation marks is never capitalized, same for any verb “announcing” the words in the quote (to say, to utter, to murmur, to respond, to reply, to yell, to scream, to whisper etc...) Any other word after a period IS CAPITALIZED instead. Uncle, Mom, Dad and such are capitalized only when used as names (never capitalized after your and my for example). Change line when the dialogue moves to a different character. Here are a post on formatting, editing and dialogue that should help you :)
MY OVERALL OPINION
Great voice, just check your formatting ^_^
I am Ruby Destani Nicole and I don't want to attend this dinner. Repeat. I am Ruby Destani Nicole and I do not want to attend this dinner. Louder, maybe mother can't here my thoughts over all the laughter and forks scraping against the china. I AM RUBY DESTANI NICOLE AND--.
"Ruby, tell your uncle about your first day plans," she says giving me the knock it off look and kicking my ankle.
I almost choke on the bread in my mouth. "Well, after we move all of my stuff in I’ll have to go get my ability ranking," I respond rubbing my ankle with my other foot. My uncle keeps biting into his steak, expressionless, and I continue, "And after that i'm going to go meet other people with my ability, other momentists!" He gives me the raised-eyebrow-face-in-food head nod. "And then I'm going to kill--"
Mom interrupts me, fork clattering on her plate, eye twitching, "Ruby, I told you, you can't kill a dragon!"
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