Today we have the beginning of a sci-fi novel.
The text as I received it:
Revelations: The Well of Souls
Some see Paradise as a garden where the tree of life grows. Fruit and vegetables grow in plentiful amounts along with an ocean of wild flowers in every colour imaginable. For some, this would be a pollen soaked hell. It’s all a matter of perspective a perspective that would change if it meant you could live and not die.
On this particular day in garden paradise, the central well had attracted the attention of Adam, the head gardener, and his colleagues; all of whom were naked. Leaning over the waist high wall and peering down into its depths Peter said “Oh dear, it doesn’t look like there’s many left.”
Adam said “So, where is John with those buckets?”
John came scurrying towards the well; the buckets were big, heavy and awkward to carry; he would curse – under his breath – as they banged into his shins, “You are you sure about this, aren’t you?”
“No. But we can’t just stand by and watch as they become endangered and then extinct.”
Peter said, “Doing this won’t stop the inevitable you know.”
“It will delay it and give them time, time to put things right and maybe, just maybe fix their planet.”
The story is cool. I know from the beautiful synopsis that came with the paragraph, but not from the paragraph :(
Overall it seems a bit drafty. If you can’t find your own mistakes I would recommend swapping manuscripts with a writer friend or paying a professional editor. Sometimes reading out loud really helps too :)
More specific comments:
-Avoid repetitions (see two sentences grow/grow)
-Beware of brit spelling. For example colour is spelled color in American. If your audience is American correct it.
-I am confused. Is Paradise real? Because we start with a general statement of what some people think paradise might be and then we are there. Also, the allergy thing could be funny, but it’s very distracting, right at the beginning of your story and somewhat disconnected from the rest.
-Is paradise capitalized or not? Choose one and be consistent. In general you have some random capitalization across the paragraph (Well, On...)
-Watch your commas! See post on comma use
-Avoid fillers like well, so etc...“Well, on this day” even more so when there is a well in its own right in the same sentence.
-Show me, don’t tell. Don’t tel me the buckets are heavy show me, make John huff.
-“All of whom were naked” is a bit awkward.
-“It doesn’t look like there’s many left” Many of what? In a well I expect water. I know the chapter’s titled the well of souls, but slow, dense me did not make the connection on the first read. If you are building suspense don’t drag it too long because you are preventing the reader from playing the movie in their head and it becomes a bit annoying. I can’t visualize what’s happening. I keep reading and I have no idea what everyone is talking about, what they’re seeing. I’m becoming frustrated
-Use semicolons and colons sparingly
-I have no idea of what everyone looks like
-You introduce 3 characters here: Adam, Peter and John. I get that they are biblical names, but I suspect that not all of these gardeners are central to your story. I would leave secondary characters unnamed. It’s difficult for the reader to remember a lot of names.
-Also, as biblical references go, it seemed funny to me that Adam, who screwed it up for everyone would be the boss ;)
Revelations: The Well of Souls
In Garden Paradise, fruit and vegetables thrived within an ocean of wild flowers in every color imaginable. Adam sneezed so loud he thought his eyes would pop. Nothing like allergies to turn Paradise into hell, the head gardener thought.
He reached all of his fellow gardeners, their naked bodies leaning over the well. One of them turned to face him, sighing, a frown on his face. “This i bad. It’s drying out.”
Adam strained his neck forward. The murky mist in the well had lowered for decades and now was at an historical low. Souls were dwindling. He growled, turning his lanky body back to the garden, “Where are those buckets?”
Another gardener scurried towards the well, cursing under his breath as the buckets banged into his already bruised shins. He set the buckets down huffing. “Adam, are you sure about this?”
“No. But the other option is watching the humans go extinct. I know this will make things harder for them, but it will allow them more time.”
The minion sighed.“Hopefully they’ll use the time to fix things.”
I hope this helped ^_^
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