I am so ecstatic that I’m jumping up and down on my couch (aka, my office, somehow is perfectly acceptable for me to type for fifteen hours straight in a slouched position).
Today we have a rewrite of a query letter we worked on a while back. I think the rework is terrific, this is proof that these workshops are useful indeed. Good job everyone!
I’m going to post the original, the rework, and then the same latest version with my comments/questions.
So, here’s the original query from a while back:
Mr(s)________
Twenty five year old Azeriah is one of the few of a race called humans in all of the world of Harcinth. He is an amateur swordsman, but never finds the use for martial weaponry until he is thrust in with a hooded stranger’s travelling band of misfits. Azeriah finds himself caught up with a creature made of wind, a fox-man old and wise enough to be his ancestor, even a shapeshifter who can’t remember her true form or identity- just to name a few.
To his comrades, Azeriah is a good soldier who doesn’t know he is a good soldier. Azeriah finds strengths he never imagined as he gains the trust and attention of his new allies against enemies he had hoped never to encounter. Not without his flaws, a well-concealed addiction runs through his veins to kalemnimi- a crystalline structure that triggers intense reactive memories from the user’s past. Azeriah’s addiction is justified as a “release”, but also ends up helping him to search through clues in his own past to help his friends and allies.
Azeriah’s dilemma forces itself upon the reader through the hafrem, a race of conscious shadows that threaten the natural order of Harcinth. Can Azeriah and his company strike back against an extraplanar force of destruction without losing themselves in the process? Can Azeriah trust himself with an increased need for a substance whose side effects are starting to overpower the benefits of their use? Find out as this group of strangers become the Bloodstone.
My name is Ethan Samuel. Bloodstone is a 399 page, 100,000 plus word fantasy novel that follows Azeriah, Yu’Din, Esperre, I’mun, Romis, and Vox around the world of Harcinth.
And here’s the rework after the tumblr’s group comments:
Dear Mrs Amman,
Fantasy is where people go to lose themselves in a world of wonder and magic. For Azeriah, losing himself is reality in a world as dreadful as it is powerful. Your penchant for the sinister and spectacular has led me to believe you would enjoy my work.
Azeriah is one of the few humans left in the world of Harcinth. Addicted to kalemnimi, a crystalline structure that triggers intense reactive memories from the user’s past, he finds unwilling company in a band of hostages, ranging from shapeshifters to animal hybrids, who are forced on an expedition to recover an ancient and deadly artifact.
The gang soon becomes involved in repelling the influence of the hafrem, a race of conscious shadows that threaten the natural order of Harcinth. To avoid a cruel and twisted fate affecting everything he knows, Azeriah will have to trust his new companions, harness the power of an ancient weapon, and manage not to lose himself to the dark side of kalemnimi in the process.
BLOODSTONE is a 112,000 word fantasy novel focusing on friendship and addiction.
Thank you for your time. Sincerely,
[Insert Personal Information]
My (new) comments:
PROS
CONS
Here is the latest version with my questions/comments:
Dear Mrs Amman,
Fantasy is where people go to lose themselves in a world of wonder and magic. For Azeriah, losing himself is reality in a world as dreadful as it is powerful [what is powerful? The world? This sentence is awkward. I liked the way it begins, maybe just fix it?]. Your penchant for the sinister and spectacular has led me to believe you would enjoy my work [Well done! I do enjoy the sinister and spectacular, now it’s personal!].
Azeriah is one of the few humans left in the world of Harcinth. Addicted to kalemnimi, a crystalline structure that triggers intense reactive memories from the user’s past, he finds unwilling company in a band of hostages, ranging from shapeshifters to animal hybrids, who are forced on an expedition to recover an ancient and deadly artifact. [This is almost perfect. In a few lines you told me what the book is about. I still have two questions: who forces them and with what leverage?]
The gang soon becomes involved in repelling the influence of the hafrem, a race of conscious shadows that threaten the natural order of Harcinth [This seems a bit disconnected to me. How does it tie to part one, finding the artifact?] To avoid a cruel and twisted fate affecting everything he knows, Azeriah will have to trust his new companions, harness the power of an ancient weapon [is this the artifact from above?Make the connection clear. For example. What started as a mercenary mission to retrieve an ancient weapon soon turns into a struggle to save Harcinth from the hafrem,a race of conscious shadows craving for chaos and distruction], and manage not to lose himself to the dark side of kalemnimi in the process.
BLOODSTONE is a 112,000 word fantasy novel focusing on friendship and addiction. [What qualifies you to tell a story about addiction? If you or anyone you love struggled with addiction, if you are a social worker, or if you did a ton of research on the matter, this is where I would mention it.]
Thank you for your time. Sincerely,
[Insert Personal Information]
I hope this helps ^_^ I think the first round definitely did!
Here is a link to the previous “Writers’ group” posts, in case you missed out. Chime in!
Wanna have feedback on your own work?
1-E-mail me at gaia.b.amman at gmail.com and write as your object “200 words blog”. Then paste in the e-mail the first 200 words of your work. Send it anytime, I will post my edit when I can :) Why only two hundred words? You need to engage your reader within 100!
2-Specify the length of the entire work (either because you have it or an estimate will do, for example you could say this will be a novel or flash fiction)
3-I will share my opinion and editing of your work on the blog. This type of post will be titled “My edit”. I will leave comments open so we can start a conversation :)
4-As a rule, I will leave your work anonymous so you don’t feel on the spot, but if you are brave let me know and I’ll leave your name on it
5-No poetry! I’m in no way qualified to criticize it. I can only enjoy it :)
6-I will ignore messages that don’t comply. Please be nice to me and everyone else :)
GBA
So, here’s the original query from a while back:
Mr(s)________
Twenty five year old Azeriah is one of the few of a race called humans in all of the world of Harcinth. He is an amateur swordsman, but never finds the use for martial weaponry until he is thrust in with a hooded stranger’s travelling band of misfits. Azeriah finds himself caught up with a creature made of wind, a fox-man old and wise enough to be his ancestor, even a shapeshifter who can’t remember her true form or identity- just to name a few.
To his comrades, Azeriah is a good soldier who doesn’t know he is a good soldier. Azeriah finds strengths he never imagined as he gains the trust and attention of his new allies against enemies he had hoped never to encounter. Not without his flaws, a well-concealed addiction runs through his veins to kalemnimi- a crystalline structure that triggers intense reactive memories from the user’s past. Azeriah’s addiction is justified as a “release”, but also ends up helping him to search through clues in his own past to help his friends and allies.
Azeriah’s dilemma forces itself upon the reader through the hafrem, a race of conscious shadows that threaten the natural order of Harcinth. Can Azeriah and his company strike back against an extraplanar force of destruction without losing themselves in the process? Can Azeriah trust himself with an increased need for a substance whose side effects are starting to overpower the benefits of their use? Find out as this group of strangers become the Bloodstone.
My name is Ethan Samuel. Bloodstone is a 399 page, 100,000 plus word fantasy novel that follows Azeriah, Yu’Din, Esperre, I’mun, Romis, and Vox around the world of Harcinth.
And here’s the rework after the tumblr’s group comments:
Dear Mrs Amman,
Fantasy is where people go to lose themselves in a world of wonder and magic. For Azeriah, losing himself is reality in a world as dreadful as it is powerful. Your penchant for the sinister and spectacular has led me to believe you would enjoy my work.
Azeriah is one of the few humans left in the world of Harcinth. Addicted to kalemnimi, a crystalline structure that triggers intense reactive memories from the user’s past, he finds unwilling company in a band of hostages, ranging from shapeshifters to animal hybrids, who are forced on an expedition to recover an ancient and deadly artifact.
The gang soon becomes involved in repelling the influence of the hafrem, a race of conscious shadows that threaten the natural order of Harcinth. To avoid a cruel and twisted fate affecting everything he knows, Azeriah will have to trust his new companions, harness the power of an ancient weapon, and manage not to lose himself to the dark side of kalemnimi in the process.
BLOODSTONE is a 112,000 word fantasy novel focusing on friendship and addiction.
Thank you for your time. Sincerely,
[Insert Personal Information]
My (new) comments:
PROS
- This is so much better! It flows, you got me (too bad I’m not an agent)
- The plot is clear
- I get the conflicts
- The information is more trim and to the point
- I get from the query a sense of loneliness that makes me like Azeriah right away
CONS
- Avoid vague statements. “Forced on an expedition” why? By whom? “threaten the natural order of Harcinth” How? Remember that you choose how much information to give, but whatever you provide has to be to the point
Here is the latest version with my questions/comments:
Dear Mrs Amman,
Fantasy is where people go to lose themselves in a world of wonder and magic. For Azeriah, losing himself is reality in a world as dreadful as it is powerful [what is powerful? The world? This sentence is awkward. I liked the way it begins, maybe just fix it?]. Your penchant for the sinister and spectacular has led me to believe you would enjoy my work [Well done! I do enjoy the sinister and spectacular, now it’s personal!].
Azeriah is one of the few humans left in the world of Harcinth. Addicted to kalemnimi, a crystalline structure that triggers intense reactive memories from the user’s past, he finds unwilling company in a band of hostages, ranging from shapeshifters to animal hybrids, who are forced on an expedition to recover an ancient and deadly artifact. [This is almost perfect. In a few lines you told me what the book is about. I still have two questions: who forces them and with what leverage?]
The gang soon becomes involved in repelling the influence of the hafrem, a race of conscious shadows that threaten the natural order of Harcinth [This seems a bit disconnected to me. How does it tie to part one, finding the artifact?] To avoid a cruel and twisted fate affecting everything he knows, Azeriah will have to trust his new companions, harness the power of an ancient weapon [is this the artifact from above?Make the connection clear. For example. What started as a mercenary mission to retrieve an ancient weapon soon turns into a struggle to save Harcinth from the hafrem,a race of conscious shadows craving for chaos and distruction], and manage not to lose himself to the dark side of kalemnimi in the process.
BLOODSTONE is a 112,000 word fantasy novel focusing on friendship and addiction. [What qualifies you to tell a story about addiction? If you or anyone you love struggled with addiction, if you are a social worker, or if you did a ton of research on the matter, this is where I would mention it.]
Thank you for your time. Sincerely,
[Insert Personal Information]
I hope this helps ^_^ I think the first round definitely did!
Here is a link to the previous “Writers’ group” posts, in case you missed out. Chime in!
Wanna have feedback on your own work?
1-E-mail me at gaia.b.amman at gmail.com and write as your object “200 words blog”. Then paste in the e-mail the first 200 words of your work. Send it anytime, I will post my edit when I can :) Why only two hundred words? You need to engage your reader within 100!
2-Specify the length of the entire work (either because you have it or an estimate will do, for example you could say this will be a novel or flash fiction)
3-I will share my opinion and editing of your work on the blog. This type of post will be titled “My edit”. I will leave comments open so we can start a conversation :)
4-As a rule, I will leave your work anonymous so you don’t feel on the spot, but if you are brave let me know and I’ll leave your name on it
5-No poetry! I’m in no way qualified to criticize it. I can only enjoy it :)
6-I will ignore messages that don’t comply. Please be nice to me and everyone else :)
GBA
