This is the text as I received it:
“The world is fucked up.” Safa tried not to swear too loudly. It wasn’t in her nature to curse, but if there was ever a moment, it was now. There was no loud intake of breath from the man before her. The only reaction he gave was a mere narrowing of his eyes.
“Are you trying to sound like some self-aware prick? Look, I honestly don’t give a shit about your third-world problems, so please get to the point,” he drawled. She felt irritation arise but instantly shut it down. It was not right to get upset with someone who could potentially help her, so Safa bit her tongue and waited to get her emotions under control. As she took small breaths, people passed by, chattering eagerly about their latest purchases. Meeting in the plaza of Morganville’s busiest mall had not been her idea, but she was glad they had agreed to meet in a public area. It would not do to get brutally murdered, especially not now.
Safa gazed past him at the McDonald’s stand, where a group of teenagers were ordering the large combo meal.
- I love, love, love how you sprinkle hints about the characters in your dialogue. She didn’t usually curse, his drawl...great job. You told us nothing, yet we know a lot!
- We have an effed up situation, pissed characters, a normally polite girl swearing and on the verge of being murdered. NICE!
- I like that you start with her swearing. It grabs my attention, but I would make the statement a bit more specific to your story. While we can all immediately agree that the world is effed up in general, “this is fucked up” makes me more curious
- When the “camera” switches from one character to the next, change line
- Choose words carefully. I think it would be very “right” to feel upset with someone who wants to help if they are behaving like jerks, but it would not be in Safa’s best interest
- I got rid of a couple of adverbs that I felt did not add to your writing
- Avoid repeating yourself. “She felt irritation arise but shut it down. It was not in her interest to get upset with someone who could help her, so Safa bit her tongue and waited to get her emotions under control. “ Here you are saying the same thing twice (first and third sentence). Choose whichever you like best and go with it. Notice that the first sentence tells us what she feels, the second shows us ;)
- Avoid repeating names over and over (Safa, Safa, Safa...). A couple of times is good, more so in the beginning of a story, so we can remember, but don’t overdo it. If you have two characters, one male and one female, you can getaway with a couple of he and she
- It seems a bit contradictory that someone who could help her could also kill her. If it is so, own it! It makes the story much more interesting ;)
- I thought it weird that she feared for her life when the man himself set up the meeting in a mall. Now, I already know she’s not going to get murdered...maybe you can up the tension if you move your scene somewhere more private? I didn’t do it in my edit because I don’t know where your story is going and you might need the mall set up
MY OVERALL OPINION
I liked this! It’s well written, it tells us something about the characters and instills some urgency and curiosity. Just keep moving the story forward :)
As usual, keep only what you like/need. It’s your baby!
“This is so fucked up!” Safa hissed. It wasn’t in her nature to curse, but if there was ever a moment, it was now.
There was no loud intake of breath from the man before her. The only reaction he gave was a mere narrowing of his eyes.“Are you trying to sound like some self-aware prick? Look, I honestly don’t give a shit about your third-world problems, so please get to the point,” he drawled.
Safa bit her tongue and waited to get her emotions under control. It was not in her interest to get upset with someone who could help her…or kill her. People passed by, chattering about their latest purchases. Meeting in the plaza of Morganville’s busiest mall had not been her idea, but now she appreciated it. It would not do to get murdered, especially at this point.
I hope this helped ^_^
You can now preorder An Italian Adventure, the first book of the Italian Saga as e-book and paperback! ^_^
You can check past edit sessions here. Enjoy!
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