As I walk down the jagged sidewalk the leaves whisper under my feet. I bet they're wondering why i’m outside at 4am. I wonder that sometimes myself. At this point I’ve made this walk so many times i’m pretty sure the leaves know me by the weight of my steps. Pressed up against them like a scale, or a rock, or something really heavy. A little further ahead are grande Weeping Willows progressing around the corner. Side by side, partially naked, bowing. Weeping Willows are like Grandparents, full of wisdom and judgement. I’m pretty sure the tree’s secretly judge me everytime I take this walk. Truth is, I don't it. I mean it’s peaceful, the view is nice and it’s something unearthly about an empty road. But I don't enjoy this walk.
Tre, I’m in your room. Where are you? Stephanie is the only person I know who is up at 4am and probably the only person who would text me first. B there in a sec. We've been friends since the first day of college, when we saw that we had the same classes Can’t u hurry this walk of shame up a lil bit. Walk of shame
I really liked the voice of this piece, funny, captivating. I am intrigued. I would read more.
Sometimes it drags. The idea of the leaves knowing the weight of Tre is great, but don’t indulge explaining it.
THE NITTY GRITTY
- A jagged sidewalk? I have a hard time picturing that
- I is always capitalized
- I don’t understand what’s Grande.
- I really liked the leaves whispering, but they wouldn’t under somebody’s feet, they’d creak or crunch
- “Truth is, I don’t it.” You’re clearly missing a verb. Yikes. One typo and you’ll make it to any agent/publisher garbage can. BEWARE!
- “There is something unearthly” not “it’s something unearthly”
- “But I don’t enjoy this walk.” is a fragment. Replace the period with a comma
- I had no idea it was a text message till you told me. It felt a bit out of nowhere
- No reason to capitalize tree types
- Change line when someone’s speaking, even through a text. Otherwise we don’t know you switched from narration to another voice. Check this post about dialogue
- I have no idea if Tre is a boy or a girl. Either way, I have no idea about how they feel about Steph’s text. Do they like her? Are they just friends? Do Tre feel heartened? Reassured? Consoled? Annoyed? stalked?
As I walk down the crumbling sidewalk the leaves creak under my feet. I bet they're wondering why I’m outside at 4am. Sometimes I wonder that myself. At this point I’ve made this walk so many times I’m pretty sure the leaves know me by the weight of my steps.The weeping willows, bowing in the breeze, look like Grandparents, full of wisdom and judgement. It’s peaceful. The view is nice and there’s something unearthly about an empty road, but I don't enjoy this walk. I never do.
My phone buzzes in my pocket.
“Tre, I’m in your room. Where are you?” Stephanie’s the only person I know who’s up at 4am. We've been friends since the first day of college. My heart warms as I feel heat rising to my cheeks.
I reply, “B there in a sec.”
“Can’t u hurry this walk of shame up a lil bit? ;)”
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