Today we have the beginning of a 100k word fantasy novel. This is the text as I received it:
The show was about to begin.
A snap of the string on a violin started off the symphony and a kaleidoscope of color set ablaze the stage as the opera-ballet opened. Music resonated across the hall as the final members of the audience took their seats and fitted their masks.
Seated in the back row of the first tier, Hannelore Schön readjusted her mask; a silver piece with matted gray fur across the top and sharp white whiskers that protruded from the cheeks. It resembled a wolf, a predator amongst the sheep.
The first ballerinas swiftly appeared from the wings of the stage and Hanna clapped gently with the rest of the audience. Her eyes shifted within the mask towards the royal box which was on the tier above and to her right. Inside the box sat a lone figure adorned in a gilded mask. Designed to be an eagle, it was brilliant gold with a sharp, curved and pointed beak with sable feathers decorating its extremities.
She stood up; a deep vibration traveled through the opera house as the orchestra came alive.
Hanna followed signs that would direct her to the stairs, running her hands along the
My comments:
PROS
The show was about to begin.
A snap of the string on a violin started off the symphony and a kaleidoscope of color set ablaze the stage as the opera-ballet opened. Music resonated across the hall as the final members of the audience took their seats and fitted their masks.
Seated in the back row of the first tier, Hannelore Schön readjusted her mask; a silver piece with matted gray fur across the top and sharp white whiskers that protruded from the cheeks. It resembled a wolf, a predator amongst the sheep.
The first ballerinas swiftly appeared from the wings of the stage and Hanna clapped gently with the rest of the audience. Her eyes shifted within the mask towards the royal box which was on the tier above and to her right. Inside the box sat a lone figure adorned in a gilded mask. Designed to be an eagle, it was brilliant gold with a sharp, curved and pointed beak with sable feathers decorating its extremities.
She stood up; a deep vibration traveled through the opera house as the orchestra came alive.
Hanna followed signs that would direct her to the stairs, running her hands along the
My comments:
PROS
- Great opening line
- I hear sound, I have visuals, good description and set up
- I loved the wolf mask device, we know she’s up to something bad but you hinted at it in a very indirect way so that the reader wonders...is she?
CONS
- Choose verbs carefully to avoid confusion. A snap of a string of a violin made me think the string had snapped (broken) that something went wrong. Fitted their masks makes me think of tailoring. Adjusted, maybe? Resonated does not seem ideal for an orchestra in a concert hall, maybe filled?
- Beware of colons and semicolons. You have two within 200 words. They are not used much in fiction nowadays, but if you want to use them do so correctly. Semicolon separates two independent clauses (self-standing)
- Don’t state the obvious, the reader’s imagination will fill in the blanks. We all know where whiskers tend to be located ;) We don’t need to know the geography of the concert hall or every detail of every mask. Check out this posts about descriptions and characterization :)
- Avoid adverbs when possible, they are often useless. If they are not, you can find a better verb. In “swiftly appeared” swiftly is superfluous, appeared does the job :)
- I don’t know if Hanna and Hannelore are the same lady. This is a major issue. I am going to assume they are. Don’t confuse your audience. If you use nicknames you have to make it very clear. For example, Perkins does a great job with that in Anna & the French kiss
- Avoid repetitions. Count how many times you say mask in 200 words (four)
- Where is the conflict? What’s at stake?
- Be consistent with your narration. Avoid hiccups. The orchestra came alive twice, in the beginning and when Hanna stood up, but you never had it stop
- You might have a reason to use amongst, it might be part of your voice. As is it just stood out as an uncommon word.
MY OVERALL OPINION
This is a pretty good piece. I like the voice and the setup. Just chisel your descriptions down and introduce a hook sooner.
MY EDIT
The show was about to begin.
The twang of a violin started off the symphony and a kaleidoscope of colors set ablaze the stage as the opera-ballet opened. Music filled the hall as the final members of the audience rushed to their seats and adjusted their masks.
Seated in the back row of the first tier, Hannelore Schön tightened her own. It was a silver piece with matted gray fur across the top and sharp white whiskers: a wolf, a predator among sheep.
The first ballerinas appeared from the wings of the stage and Hannelore clapped gently with the rest of the audience, even if her eyes where trained on the eagle mask, up in the royal box. She wasn’t the only predator in the room.
She stood up. A deep vibration traveled through her body as the drums came alive. Only one predator was going to be left in the hall by the end of the night.
I hope this helped ^_^
You can find all my editing posts on the index bar on the right, under "my edit"
Wanna have feedback on your own work?
1-E-mail me at gaia.b.amman at gmail.com and write as your object “200 words blog”. Then paste in the e-mail the first 200 words of your work. Send it anytime, I will post my edit when I can :) Why only two hundred words? You need to engage your reader within 100!
2-Specify the length of the entire work (either because you have it or an estimate will do, for example you could say this will be a novel or flash fiction)
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