I wake up gasping for air, my throat tight as if long fingers are wrapped around it and squeezing tightly. Bright yellow light erupts in my vision and over my wracking coughs I hear panicked voices. My entire body burns as if it’s being ripped apart. I try to sit up, but something locks my arms and legs. A scream traps itself in my aching throat, so that only a gargled wail escapes.
The light dims and swims before my eyes, and darkness edges on my mind. Brown eyes appear, blocking out the bright light. The burning recedes, and the voices fade as darkness swallows me entirely.
I dream of nothing. Blank black space covers my eyelids. Every so often a voice seeps into my mind, though I can never understand the words or place the voice. Sometimes I wake up in a bout of pain as before—it feels as if I am being sliced open on every part of my body. Each time, I’m never able to scream; the brown eyes appear and numb the pain, and everything turns black.
The only time I wake in an amount of pain I can bear, I cannot open my eyes.
- You are starting right in the middle of something. I don’t think I could ever stop reading now. I want to know why the MC is in pain and whose are the brown eyes.
- Good narration, but keep the pace (see below)
- I like the association of the brown eyes with pain going away, but I think it would make more sense if the brown eyes appeared before everything went dark
- I think there a bit too many adjectives. I find them sometimes in the way of the narration. They slow the urgency of the situation. Sometimes, less is better ;)
- Avoid adverbs, they are redundant most of the times. “Squeeze tightly” is a repetition. Squeeze will do
- Use comparisons and similes only when they add to the narration, otherwise leave them out, even more so in an action scene, they slow down the pace (I tend to overdo this myself)
- Typos! I think you meant wreaking not wracking
- Use verbs to your advantage. This is not a con, just advice. In such a situation of panic and pain I think that “I try to jolt up” is more powerful than “I try to sit up”
- Dims and swims present a weird alliteration (technically, not an alliteration since the similarity of sound is not at the beginning of the words, but still distracting)
- Trust your words. You write well. Don’t be redundant. “...darkness swallows me entirely. I dream of nothing. Blank black space covers my eyelids.” You just need to seed an impression into the reader’s concerned brain, keep it vivid, but simple ;)
MY OVERALL OPINION
This is a pretty good piece, starting right in the middle of conflict. Just parse it down a bit, keep the pace and move the story forward.
As usual, keep only what you like/need. It’s your baby!
I wake up gasping for air, but my throat is tight. Bright yellow lights erupt in my vision and I hear panicked voices over my wreaking coughs. My entire body burns as if it’s being ripped apart. I try to jolt up, but something locks my arms and legs. A scream traps itself in my aching throat, so that only a gargled wail escapes.
Brown eyes appear, blocking out the bright light, which dims as darkness edges on my mind. The burning recedes, and the voices fade as darkness swallows me entirely.
Every so often a voice seeps into my mind, though I can never understand the words. Every time I wake up with pain ripping through me the brown eyes precede numbness and more darkness, till I finally wake.
No pain, but I cannot open my eyes.
I hope this helped ^_^
You can find all my editing posts on the index bar on the right, under "my edit"
Wanna have feedback on your own work?
1-E-mail me at gaia.b.amman at gmail.com and write as your object “200 words blog”. Then paste in the e-mail the first 200 words of your work. Send it anytime, I will post my edit when I can :) Why only two hundred words? You need to engage your reader within 100!
2-Specify the length of the entire work (either because you have it or an estimate will do, for example you could say this will be a novel or flash fiction)
3-I will share my opinion and editing of your work on the blog. This type of post will be titled “My edit”. I will leave comments open so we can start a conversation :)
4-As a rule, I will leave your work anonymous so you don’t feel on the spot, but if you are brave let me know and I’ll leave your name on it
5-No poetry! I’m in no way qualified to criticize it. I can only enjoy it :)
6-I will ignore messages that don’t comply. Please be nice to me and everyone else :)