This is the text as I received it:
“Vince!!!! Get your ass over here,” Aaron yells at me. I pull myself out of my dream-like haze. I walk over to the controls for the engine to see what all the fuss is about. I sigh. Why is everyone on this friggin ship so moronic? I thought the only people here were supposed to be brilliant scientists and stuff?
Aaron had managed to stall the engine. I whirl on him, “How in the milky way did you manage to stall an engine worth a billion dollars?! It was an engine you helped design. You were on the team that created this friggin ship!” My face is so close to his I can see my spit settle on his cheeks.
He shakes as he looks up at me. Almost everyone looks up to me. Its useful when I am fed up with their shit.
“I … I don’t know Vince. Can you just fix it?” he asks so quietly I barely hear him over the sounds of the ship breathing.
I move my hands over the control panel fixing the ship, giving her all she’s got. I don’t want to leave Earth. Not when there is still so much on it, but I don’t want to waste all the lives on this ship just because the galaxy decided I didn’t need to be happy.
- The voice comes through quite well
- I understand we are on a spaceship without it being blatantly stated
- Very good mix of narration and dialogue
- I got a pretty good sense of Vince’s personality
- Be consistent with the mood you are trying to set. If Aaron looks up to Vince I don’t think he would say “get your ass over here” and yet shake when he’s talked to. Also, is this a life or death situation or not? If yes (like I think would be best to grip your reader) make us feel the urgency, the fear, the conflict with all of your writing might! If we’re about to die, Vince wouldn’t walk or sigh. As much as I liked “how in the milky way” I don’t think someone really angry would say that. So I moved it to the beginning ;)
- Some sentences confuse me. “Given her all she’s got” sounds cliché and I’m not sure it helps you. Maybe “giving her all I’ve got”? (But I like the personalization of the ship (her), that’s smart because it tells us something about Vince. In particular the last sentence leaves me mighty confused. Aren’t we on a spaceship? Flying in space? What do you mean “I don’t want to leave Earth?” If they are still on Earth the engine stalling doesn’t seem that tragic, right? I think maybe you meant I did not want to leave Earth. If that’s the case I would definitely fix that, it’s amazing what a wrong tense can do to your story
- Stick to standard punctuation. Avoid multiple punctuation marks, it’s a bad habit we all got from texting and comics, but in fiction one exclamation mark will do. I personally used to love crowds of exclamation marks proportional to the urgency of the matter, but I have been told off by numerous writers and editors. It looks unprofessional and kind of a rookie mistake. I gave in and now limit myself to standard punctuation (either one exclamation or question mark, sigh), but ultimately the choice is yours :)
- I have no idea of what anyone looks like. Same goes for the surroundings
This is fun! It’s quite well written, I would just add a bit more angst given that you want to hook your reader. I would also make it a bit more colorful (in the sense of adding sensorial clues). In my edit I added a few physical features for Aaron, but I left Vince “blank” since he’s your main character :)
As usual, keep whatever you like and ditch the rest. It’s your baby :)
Aaron’s voice pulls me out of my dream-like haze. The urgency in his voice multiplies the panic in my head as I register the burning smell coming from the engine control room. What in the Milky Way is happening?
In no time I’m on Aaron, pulling at the gravitational lever with all of his might, and that’s a lot of might. His dark hair sticks to his forehead, sweat trickling down his normally pale face. When he sees me he rushes to say, “Vince I’m so sorry, I don’t know how–”
The red flashing light from the monitors invests me just as the siren starts to blast. “Can you keep holding the lever?” I yell over the siren.
Aaron nods as he grits his teeth in the effort and mutters, “Can you fix it?”
“Aaron, I don’t know!” I flip open the controls panel, ranting, “Why is everyone on this friggin ship so moronic? I thought everyone was supposed to be brilliant a scientist and stuff? Didn’t you help design this darn engine?”
He cowers, still gripping the lever, his green eyes sincere behind the concern. “I’m so sorry, Vince.” I barely make out the words as I dive into the engine of the ship and give her all I’ve got.
Almost everyone looks up to me on this darn ship, which is useful when I am fed up with their shit, but no so useful when I end up being the one supposed to save everyone’s sorry ass. I didn’t even want to leave Earth, but I don’t want to waste everyone’s life just because the galaxy decided I didn’t need to be happy.
I hope this helped ^_^
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