Darkness. No; nothingness. I had nothing. I was nothing. But then I was something. I had language, though I could remember nothing. Then I had memories. They were not mine. But they were mine now. Glimpses of two lives, blurred by time and one another. This was followed by glimpses of reality. I could feel. I could breathe. I could see.
I had no indication of how long I had been awake. All I knew was my blurred memories and, as I opened my eyes, the world around me. My eyes remembered how to focus. I looked with them. My muscles knew how to move. I lifted my head.
I wasn’t alone. There were others in the room. Bright colours. Four legs. Wings. Tails. And Scales. I had yet to see anything of myself but my muzzle, but I knew I was like them.
They were watching me. I wanted to go to them. Ask them what was happening. I tried to get up. I couldn’t. Something was holding me down. I looked. There were straps holding me in place. I did not want them there. Memories tingled in my mind. Something happened. The straps fell off me. Apparently this was a bad thing, because two of those present rushed forward, while the others looked startled. However, at a command from another, they stopped
- This is AWESOME!!! Dragons?! I’m in! The voice is great and I’m very intrigued to have a dragon-like MC. The passage is very well written too :) Let’s see if we can make it better together
- FYI. A great percentage os stories starts with the MC waking up. Now, that said, most of them are not muzzled, scaly creatures. So you’re probably fine ;)
- “Darkness. No; nothingness” I tried to clarify a bit with “Darkness. Worse; nothingness.”
- The voice is a bit choppy (frequent short sentences and fragments). While "choppy” works very well for short spells (to induce panic, hurry, and for action), it might make the narration jarring in the long range. See how I reworded the first paragraph to make it flow more and how I shortened and changed the last
- “Blurred by time and one another”: I had to read this sentence a couple of times to understand what you meant. It is correct, but a bit awkward. I changed it to “blurred within each other and by time”. Is that better?
- “This was followed by glimpses of reality. I could feel. I could breathe. I could see.” Now, this is a tricky passage. There is a change as our MC starts perceiving something new BUT the narration is all in the past, so that it becomes tricky to tell what is happening “now” and what might be a recollection (even more so at the very beginning of your story when you have not established yet your narrative voice). So I tried to overcome this issue by replacing “this was followed by” with a more clipped, angsty style that hopefully places us more in the present
- It’s all in the first person. Cut the “I thought”, “I could”, when unnecessary, and try to suck in your reader by inserting some thoughts to cut the narration a bit. For example, I replaced “I had no indication of how long I had been awake.” with How long have I been awake?
- Avoid repetition. Weight your first 200 words well. “All I knew was my blurred memories and, as I opened my eyes, the world around me.” The reader learns nothing new. This sentence did not seem necessary to me and I removed it. Or “I wasn’t alone, there were others with me in the room” you are repeating the same thing twice. If MC is not alone, there must be others ;)
- I think that remembering how to focus your eyes should come before seeing and looking ;P
- “Bright colours. Four legs. Wings. Tails.” These are fragments. I liked it as is and left it, but figured I’d point this out.
- Unless your readership is strictly British, I recommend using the American spelling (colors)
- Show, don’t tell. Don’t tell me that “apparently it was a bad thing because” just show me the “others” rushing forward, panicked.
- Is there a reason why you don’t use the word “dragon”? Because after you say “Bright colours. Four legs. Wings. Tails. And Scales.” I feel like the (cat) dragon is out of the bag ;)
Darkness. Worse; nothingness. I had nothing. I was nothing. But then I was something…I had language, though I could remember learning it, and I had memories, thought they had not always been mine. They were glimpses of two lives blurred within each other and by time.
Then, sudden, glimpses of reality. I could feel. I could breathe. How long have I been awake? My eyes remembered how to focus. My muscles knew how to move. I lifted my head.
I wasn’t alone in the room. Bright colors. Four legs. Wings. Tails. And Scales. I had yet to see anything of myself but my muzzle, but I knew I was like them.
Four dragons were watching me. I tried to get up, but I couldn’t: straps were holding me in place. I did not want them there, and they fell off me. Two of my guardians rushed forward, panic in their big yellow eyes, but they stopped as soon as a peremptory command tore at the tension in the room.
Who am I to give you advice?
I am the unapologetic, relentless, and very short author of the Italian Saga (#TIS): an irreverent series taking place in Italy and speaking of love, sadness, sex, and happiness with a healthy dose of humor <3
FYI: The books are recommended for anyone 13 and above, but most of my readers are adults.