**STATUS UPDATE** The Italian Saga is officially finished! The last installment (book 4) is out in November. Currently working on books 1 and 2 of the related saga TIA (The Italian’s Adventures, same characters, but older, college and up). Reading book 1 to my writers’ group and drafting book 2. Started reading blue lily, lily blue by Maggie Stiefvater.
Want me to edit your first 200 words? e-mail them to gaia.b.amman at gmail dot com with subject 200 words and keep an eye on the blog. I have a long waiting list, but I’m hoping to get to everyone! Let me know if you want your name or blog in the post, or if you wish your work to remain anonymous.
Feel free to reblog and add your personal answer or any comments you might find useful for the authors who submit their first 200 words. Disagreeing with me is very reasonable and encouraged ^_^
This is the text as I received it from @curioushumanist, follow his blog!
Want me to edit your first 200 words? e-mail them to gaia.b.amman at gmail dot com with subject 200 words and keep an eye on the blog. I have a long waiting list, but I’m hoping to get to everyone! Let me know if you want your name or blog in the post, or if you wish your work to remain anonymous.
Feel free to reblog and add your personal answer or any comments you might find useful for the authors who submit their first 200 words. Disagreeing with me is very reasonable and encouraged ^_^
This is the text as I received it from @curioushumanist, follow his blog!
|
Judgement of Strangers
Yoga pants. The ladies of this town love to wear black yoga pants. And not just when going to the women only gym down the street. It’s everywhere. To the store, Starbucks, the dry cleaners - yoga pants all day long. Not that I can complain, most of them can pull it off. There’s only a precious few where the look doesn’t really work. Another benefit of moving to a well-to-do suburb. Most outfits are black, maybe because it’s concealing? Not sure how virtually painted on clothing is concealing but its as good a reason as any. That or black goes with anything. Then there are the occasional gray or blue examples, with some sort of pattern clinging to the curve of thighs and asses well worked trying to be pert again. Thank god there are no animal skin patterns. Still, the whole parade is very distracting. Have to leave a note to myself to stop hanging out in the Starbucks, even just for the free wifi to look like a writer. Have to get stuff done. Still a nice ass is worth the distraction. Jack sat at the green metal table outside the coffee shop avoiding the work he went there purposefully to do. That whole phenomenon of monkey mind, thoughts just bouncing all over the place, really bothered him today. Spring day, new house in a new town, and a new writing project to finally make those dreams come true added up making it damn near impossible to focus. Being a pig with a very easily turned head did not help. A sip of really bad ice coffee kicked Jack back into the moment. Daydreams are easy to kill since they breed incessantly, always another one. |
- I found this piece funny and very well written!
- I love the beginning! “Yoga pants”. So terse and original: it immediately sucked me in the story!
- Although historically there used to be two spaces left after a period, Chicago style rules call just for one.
- “To the store...” that sentence is a fragment. At first I thought it was part of Jack’s voice, but it’s not. I connected the sentence to the previous one so that it’s not a fragment anymore :)
- “There’s only a precious few...” I love that. Although the main character is objectifying and sexualizing women, I dislike him less because of that “precious”. Women that in his opinion don’t look good in yoga pants are still precious.
- I like the humor in the voice “ Not sure how virtually painted on clothing is concealing”
- I followed well up until “Then there are the occasional...” where I started to get bored. In the paragraph up until then you established the voice, and that the character moved to the suburbs. The “gray and blue” sentence adds nothing to the narration. It drags. I cut it.
- “...stop hanging out in the Starbucks, even just for the free wifi to look like a writer.” This sentence is a little clunky. The second part has an unclear structure (fragment?Is he hanging there for the wifi or to look like a writer? Does he need the wifi to look like a writer?)
- First to second paragraph: you change point of view. I thought we were doing a first person pov and suddenly we are third person omniscient. That is jarring. I would italicize the first paragraph so that the reader knows it’s a thought.
- Now, knowing that we are ranting in paragraph one, I went back and cut a bit more (the” not only at the gym” part), trying not to detract from the voice (a huge block of italicized text is peculiar, yet doable)
- Adverbs are strange creatures that rarely help verbs. If he went there to purposefully do his work he would not be avoiding to do it. That sounds like a contradiction.
- I love “monkey mind”. Never heard of it, but if you made it up it’s brilliant ;)
- “Spring day, new house in a new town, and a new writing project to finally make those dreams come true added up making it damn near impossible to focus.” A bit clunky. I had to read the sentence twice to figure out the meaning. I tweaked it a bit.
- “Daydreams are easy to kill since they breed incessantly.” Masterpiece sentence! Don’t kill it with a useless (and not as smooth) segue ("always another one").
I just loved that sentence SO MUCH!
- What’s the hook? I don’t mean the main conflict of the story. Imagine that I’m at a bookstore, browsing and reading the beginning of a bunch of books. Yours has humor, and it is certainly well written, but I could I put it down? Yes. Jack is safe with his horny thoughts, wasting time at a coffee shop. You need something soon, possibly in the form of dialogue to break the narration a bit. Whatever is the climax of your first chapter, create conflict soon to suck in your reader.
|
Judgement of Strangers
Yoga pants. The ladies of this town love to wear black yoga pants everywhere: to the store, Starbucks, the dry cleaners - yoga pants all day long. Not that I can complain, most of them can pull it off. There’s only a precious few where the look doesn’t really work. Another benefit of moving to a well-to-do suburb. Most outfits are black, maybe because it’s concealing? Not sure how virtually painted on clothing is concealing but its as good a reason as any. Still, the whole parade is very distracting. Have to leave a note to myself to stop hanging out in the Starbucks just to look like a writer. Have to get stuff done. Still a nice ass is worth the distraction. Jack sat at the green metal table outside the coffee shop, avoiding the work he had gone there to do. That whole phenomenon of monkey mind, thoughts just bouncing all over the place, really bothered him today. Spring day, new house in a new town, and a new writing project to finally make his dreams come true all added up, making it damn near impossible to focus. Being a pig with a very easily turned head did not help. Daydreams are easy to kill since they breed incessantly. A sudden flood of ice coffee flooded Jack’s crotch, kicking him back into the moment. He jerked his chair back lifting his arms, turning toward the stranger who had knocked his drink over. “I’m so sorry!” said the woman in paint-splotched overalls and short pink hair, green eyes open wide in horror and trained on Jack. |
Who am I to give you advice?
I am Gaia B Amman, the author of the Italian Saga (#TIS), a series taking place in gorgeous Italy, and talking about everything I was told is impolite to talk about ;)
I am Gaia B Amman, the author of the Italian Saga (#TIS), a series taking place in gorgeous Italy, and talking about everything I was told is impolite to talk about ;)
You can check out the books here (e-books, paperbacks, audio)
The last volume, book 4, comes out November 6th!!! YAY ^_^
The books are recommended for ages 13 and above, but most of my readers are adults.
Like my advice?My Indie Author Guide, collecting all of my advice, is available on Amazon for $2.99, but Tumblr folks can get it for free here :)
The last volume, book 4, comes out November 6th!!! YAY ^_^
The books are recommended for ages 13 and above, but most of my readers are adults.
Like my advice?My Indie Author Guide, collecting all of my advice, is available on Amazon for $2.99, but Tumblr folks can get it for free here :)
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