Viviana Rey, twenty-three years old, also known as V. She is either a demon or a savior. V changed the fate of the galaxy and destroyed the fate of others. This is her tale.
V awoke from a nightmare at two a.m. She stared at the blank wall across from her bed. She stared… then lay down only to stare at the blank ceiling. Her heart raced and she covered her ears. V promised herself she would not give in to her fears. As V lay she began to scream. Her neighbors thought her insane and they might be right but her aggression always seemed to calm her. V decided she rather not take a chance with her nightmare realm so she quickly dressed and went jogging around her block.
V expected it to be dark outside but the sky gave her an uneasy feeling. Not a single star shone and she saw no moon. As V jogged she forgot her surroundings. She ran. She ran faster and faster till a stranger bumped into her. V had never encountered another during her late night runs. She knew something was wrong. V looked at the man she had ran into and saw no face. A blank figure, no man, only darkness in the shape of a man. Pitch black as the sky and the streetlights went out.
Now, let’s work on the piece deconstructing it and trying to make it flow as best as it can (or as best as I can make it!) ^_^
- You only have one character for most of this scene; you don’t need to repeat “V.” or “she” so many times, it gets in the way of the narration. It’s implied that the story is from her point of view
- Rather than having a short intro; work the details you need in the narration
- Break down the narration with internal thoughts (always italicized)
- I love “V” as an MC name!
- Remember “show don’t tell”. Don’t tell me it’s 2 am, show me it’s the middle of the night. Don’t tell me she’s afraid, or that she has an uneasy feeling, show me etc… This is difficult and takes practice, just keep going at it :)
- Some of the movement does not feel natural. She would not wake, then stare, then cover her ears (Why? There is no noise), then scream
- Would she see the white wall and ceiling in the middle of the night? Is it dark or is there some light?
- Watch your commas; you are missing a couple ;)
- This is just me, but “jogging” throws me out of the story. It sounds like such an urban, well-adjusted thing to do…not very mystery-demonic ;P I swapped it with “running”; see what you like best :)
- Build some emotions into the actions of your MC. You have the nightmares, then she goes running…have the reader feel her angst
- Add a bit more set up. What type of city does she live in? Are we in the future? What does it smell like?
V awoke, screaming, fists tight around her sheets.The wall across her bed, glowing a faint blue in the darkness, brought her back to reality, her heart still racing. With her ragged breath slowing, she tried to listen for her neighbors stirring, but the night was still. They already think I’m crazy anyway…
Sometimes she wondered if her recurrent nightmares were a sign of the demon in her trying to rip out of her skin, shredding her mind first. No more sleep for me, tonight. She grabbed a dirty tee-shirt from the floor and went out running to clear her thoughts.
The sky was was pitch-black; not a single star shining. There was no breeze whatsoever. V repressed the shiver tickling her spine and took off into the night. A cat jumped out of her way with an angry meow, causing a garbage bin to tumble. V ran away, faster and faster, from the nauseating smell, from her dreams and fears, from herself--
She fell backward on her butt, feeling like she had run into a wall. She looked up massaging her neck and found herself staring at the dark silhouette of a man. Her eyes went wide. No face, he has no face! The streetlights went out.
I am the paladin of writers, a weirdo with a pen and lots of strange feelings: part demon, part unicorn, all around strange. I am the author of the Italian Saga (#TIS): an irreverent indie series taking place in Italy and speaking of love, pain, and happiness with a healthy dose of humor <3 (Below is yours truly at the Buffalo Small Press Book Fair)