When it was done, she stepped back and smiled. Bronze, chrome, and shot through with blazing teal, it was a beauty to behold.
It will be even more beautiful to experience, she reminded him.
He nodded, but she could still see the urge to trace the crafted arcs reflected in the twitch of his fingers. She didn’t blame him.
They packed their tools and linked their hands as he walked her home for the day. Promises of tomorrow and almost there tingled under her skin like electric currents.
She first approaches him after their AP Physics class, and he’s surprised because they’ve never talked. She always insists on sitting directly behind him, and it doesn’t leave much room for conversation.
Hi, she says as she leans over his desk, acting like it’s a regular occurrence.
He is silent for a long beat as he struggles to find an adequate reply. He comes up with Hey and he’s not quite sure it fits the bill. It doesn’t matter anyway, because she’s already leaving.
See ya tomorrow! She calls from the classroom doorway. He shrugs to his best friend and packs his bag.
There’s a grease stain on his forehead, and she thinks she’s in love.
You write quite well, but I suggest you pay attention to formatting. Remember that every scene needs to move the story forward and needs a setting, so that the reader can imagine the story. Use more dialogue to cut on the backstory.
-I was very confused with your dialogue. You need to use quotation marks. The convention calls for italics for internal thoughts, not spoken dialogue.
-”Bronze, chrome, and shot through...” this sentence is awkward and I had to read it twice. I expected a third adjective and at first could not make sense of the words.
-I see what you’re doing, you are trying to make us curious about the mysterious object (the beauty to behold), but everything is very nebulous. Who’s she? Who’s he? Where are we? What’s the thing?
- “He nodded, but she could still see the urge to trace the crafted arcs reflected in the twitch of his fingers.” This is too obscure. Because I don’t know what we’e talking about I can’t tell if he’s unsatisfied with his work or if he’s somewhat addicted to something.
-I love the promises of tomorrow tingling under her skin like electric currents!
-There’s a tense switch between the first paragraph (past) and the second (present). This might be because the first paragraph happened before, but in any narration scenes are normally in temporal order (unless you have flashbacks etc). Stay consistent with your tense, it is implied that time passed.
-There’s a POV (point of view) switch! The first paragraph is from her perspective (we know what she thinks and feel) but the second is from his perspective. Now this could be okay, but you need to make it clear for the reader. Many authors (e.g. see Game of Thrones) start the paragraph with the name of the character whose perspective we’re following.
-Nothing happens in the second scene. I don’t know if these two are the same holding hands in scene one. I’m a bit lost. Every scene needs to move the story forward. It looks like they start holding hands but then they barely say hi…but then she’s in love?
-I am not sure how the last line fits. Are these the same 2 characters? Where are they?
Here is my edit: (I apologize if I am radically changing the story; I was a little confused and I filled in the blanks as I pleased).
When it was done, Reena stepped back into the garage and smiled. The sun was blinding in the mid June afternoon, glinting off the bronze and chrome of their creation, shot through with blazing teal. It was a beauty to behold.
“It will be even more beautiful to experience!” she told Josh. He smiled, but his fingers were twitching, eyes still fixed on the crafted arches that were never good enough for him. “Come on! It’s perfect!” Reena added, bumping her shoulder into his and startling him.
The moment Reena touched him, Josh was called back to Earth.
“Come on! It’s perfect!” she said. He turned to look at her cheeks growing red. She looked away and started packing the tools.
He knew it was perfect. He just didn’t want their project to be over.
His blue eyes always made her shiver and Reena looked away, focusing on the tools. Promises of tomorrow and almost there tingled under her skin like electric currents, or maybe it was Josh’s quiet gaze lingering on her. She noticed a grease of stain on his forehead and smiled.
I think I’m in love.