Melody stared up at the boy standing on top of the building. Her heart ached as tears fell from his shockingly blue eyes. She longed to comfort him, but she knew she had to keep her distance. He had ordered her to stay away, and she couldn’t risk angering him. Melody turned away, unable to watch the boy cry any longer.
Ryan tried not to think about what had happened, but he couldn’t stop his rebellious mind from replaying the disastrous events of that afternoon. Wanting to get to the Building as quickly as possible, he had taken the shortcut, going through the alley. He had seen them waiting for him and immediately realized that he had chosen the wrong route. He started backing up, preparing to make his escape, only to crash into him. Ryan was trapped, and they both knew it. “Gotcha,” he whispered into Ryan’s ear. “Over here, guys!” The minions - Dameon’s four followers - emerged from the shadows. Two of them grabbed Ryan’s arms, holding them down with an iron-tight grip. He struggled, but it was impossible to break free.
- Multiple POV, I like!
- Action and emotion-packed, holds good promise!
- I am confused, which is never a good thing. Is the boy Melody is staring at Ryan? Because I don’t know that. I think so.
- Be consistent with your tenses. Is the roof scene happening before or after the alley ambush? It seems to precede the roof but when you start relaying dialogues from the flashback it gets a bit messy, you switch from past in the past (had happened) to simple past (started, grabbed)which is the tense of your present narration. Watch out!
- Be consistent with your POV. Is Melody also on the top of the building? If not can she see his tears? The color of his eyes? Where is she? Notice that you don’t need to point out the tears if she longs to comfort him, that tells us something’s wrong
- You do a pretty good job of showing and not telling, stick to it! You show us that he can’t stop thinking about the events, so don’t tell us he has a rebellious mind, we’ll figure it out
- Delve on mood and feelings. Is the boy about to jump? Isn’t Melody scared? Should the reader be worried? Angry?
- Simplify. You don’t have to tell the reader everything. For example: “Wanting to get to the Building as quickly as possible, he had taken the shortcut, going through the alley.” We all know what a shortcut is. You can just say “He had taken the shortcut to the Building, going through the alley.”
- There seems to be a bit of contrast between the “boy” and “ordering”, between being so powerless in front of whatever evil things happened to him and the fact that Melody is afraid of him. Maybe this is all part of your plan
- Name characters the first time they appear, or as soon as your MC recognizes them. Who is the he who ambushes Ryan? Dameon?
- Use capitalization consistently. Is the building the boy is standing on the same Building Ryan was trying to get to? If yes, both should be capitalized. If not you might want to use another word in place of building to clear the confusion
MY OVERALL OPINION
This holds promise. There’s action and emotion, there’s clearly a conflict. Just work on cutting any extra words and clear any confusion.
As usual, keep whatever you like and ditch the rest. It’s your baby :)
Hidden in the shade of the Building, Melody stared at Ryan, standing on the top. She longed to comfort him, but he had ordered her to keep her distance and she couldn’t risk angering him. She turned away, unable to watch the boy’s pain any longer.
Ryan stared into the vast expanse surrounding the Building but saw nothing, hie eyes focused inward, replaying the disastrous events of that afternoon. He had taken the shortcut to get to the Building, but Daemon’s followers had ambushed him in the alley. Ryan had started backing up, only to crash into Daemon himself.
“Gotcha,” Daemon had whispered into Ryan’s ear. “Over here, guys!"
Two of his minions had grabbed Ryan’s arms, holding them down with an iron-tight grip. He had struggled, but it was impossible to break free.
I hope this helped ^_^
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