Writing: Reading book one of my next series to my writers’ group, working on book 2 (currently went from 110K to 92K and starting to shape up!
Reading: Finished the Six of Crows/Crooked Kingdom duology. Best books ever! Started “Across the Universe”
Word of the day: concomitance (e fact os something occurring together with something else)
Want me to edit your first 200 words?
E-mail them to gaia.b.amman at gmail dot com with subject 200 words and keep an eye on the blog. If I love it I will edit it for free and post it on Tumblr for everyone to chime in. If I don’t post about it, I will still get back to you with my honest opinion <3
Let me know if you want your name or blog url in the post, or if you wish your work to remain anonymous. Feel free to reblog and add your personal answer or any comments you might find useful for the authors who submit their first 200 words. Disagreeing with me is very reasonable and encouraged ^_^
This is the text as I received it:
Many people would call one of my closest friends a murderer. That’s such a misused term to describe their unfortunate occupation. Sure, my friend comes out of the blue to take someone’s life, but life has a cruel way of showing it’s jokes.
I flip a page, deciphering the scribbles etched into the cracked yellow pages. Wind runs through my hair, carrying smoke from someone’s cigarette. Cars zoom past down the road, the drivers going about their daily day. The sky is barely visible thanks to the towering skyscrapers. Brushing hair behind my ear, I exhale. When is my old friend coming around? I nibble impatiently on a piece of crisped dragon hide. I enjoy the saltiness that spreads on my tongue and take another hearty bite.
A high pitched whine pierces the air, and something wet nudges at my foot. Following this contact, my skin scorches from the wet heat. Frowning, I look down. Big approachful red eyes stare up at me. A tail made of blue fire wags wildly back and forth, only a blue blur. The hellhound’s black shiny coat starkly contrasts against the pale concrete sidewalk.
- There are several reasons why I would want to keep reading: murderer BFF? Dragon chips? Hellhounds?
- The fact that several senses where involved in the descriptions: the saltiness of the chips, the smoke
Red flags you need to be careful about:
These are minor fixes any editor would catch, but that will cause your manuscript to be immediately click-deleted by most agents/publishers
- It’s vs its: its (of it, belonging to it), it’s (it is)
- Approachful is not a word. Maybe reproachful?
What I would change:
- Where are we? After reading the whole piece, I imagine our MC sitting on a bench in a park, reading. Nonetheless, I had a hard time visualizing the MC because I was not sure
- I was not sure if the closes friend (the murderer) and the Old friend the MC is waiting for are the same person
- You are writing fantasy, banal, common things like cigarettes, cars, and drivers don’t belong!
- It sounds like you don’t want me to know if the murderer friend is male or female (their), which immediately tells me it’s a girl. If you want to mislead me, give her a male or ambiguous name ;)
- What’s the MC’s reaction to the hellhound and the skin scorching? Pained? Surprised? Amused? Terrified?
Minor edits I would make:
- “Life has a cruel way of showing its jokes” is it the way life the jokes that is cruel or the jokes themselves? (I think the latter)
- Can you really take a “hearty bite” out of one chip?
Many people would call one of my closest friends a murderer. That’s such a misused term to describe their unfortunate occupation. Sure, Kyle comes out of the blue to take someone’s life, but life has a cruel sense of humor.
Sitting on a rock in Adriath park, I look at the sky, barely visible behind the towering skyscrapers made of rithu and glass. I flip a page, deciphering the scribbles etched into the cracked yellow pages of the Tome of Life. Wind runs through my hair, carrying the minty smoke from someone’s tarind. Such a terrible habit. Brushing hair behind my ear, I sigh. When is Kyle coming around? I nibble on a piece of crisped dragon hide, enjoying the saltiness that spreads on my tongue. I throw a handful in my mouth.
A high pitched whine pierces the air, and something wet nudges my foot. Following this contact, my skin scorches from the wet heat.
“Ow!” I flinch and look down. Big, reproachful red eyes stare up at me. A tail made of blue fire wags wildly back and forth, only a blue blur. The hellhound’s black shiny coat contrasts against the pale concrete sidewalk.
I am GB Amman, the author of the Italian Saga (#TIS), a YA series taking place in gorgeous Italy, and talking about everything important with humor and feels aplenty.
The last volume, book 4, comes out November 6th!!! YAY ^_^
The books are recommended for ages 13 and above, but most of my readers are adults.
Get the Indie author Guide free! ^_^
Get it for free here :)