Hello everyone! Even while traveling the word (best Freudian slip ever, I meant traveling the WORLD) and working hard at book 5 I made time to look at your work: keep sending it at gaia.b.amman at gmail dot com with subject "200 words". I’ll get to it eventually ^_^
This is the text as I received it:
This is the text as I received it:
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How could you tell him this? No, no, you wouldn't. Never. You didn't want to screw up your friendship with him. Jeff was your best friend, he was always there for you and only loved you like a bro. That's it, nothing more to that and never will be. He helped you through your depression, and was really supportive when you came out as bisexual, but you could never admit you liked him. He was straight and was crushing on this girl, who acted like a bitch. There was no hope. None. Nada. He didn't like boys, not one bit.
It pained you to keep it a secret for three years. Usually, you'd tell him everything... but not lately. You didn't want to stress him out with your problems, especially when he already was with school, and Hannah. You hated Hannah for stealing him away from you. But, she recently hooked up with another girl, and it really hurt him. You felt so bad when he seemed down for a week, probably needing some space. He didn't talk to you for a while, and you were too scared to approach him. He ignored your texts, which made you really insecure. It was an absolute havoc, especially when you were being bullied again. You were a senior for fucks sake, being bullied then was and joke. The worst part was that it always got to you. |
- Awwww! There is SO MUCH emotion in these 200 words! So much angst! Loved it ^_^
- The conflict is clear
- The voice is distinct
- WE NEED MORE BI STORIES! Yes, please. Diversity makes us smarter.
- As always watch for typos: for fuck’s sake, the last sentence is a bit messed up
Now, let’s see if and how we can make it better ^_^
- This piece is very heartfelt. Using a second person point of view (you, you, you) is very realistic. The MC is in pain and talks to himself in the second person, as if he were someone else (not I, but you). Nonetheless, using a first person would help drawing in the readers even more, helping them to identify with the MC
- We are in the head of the MC, but we don’t know his name, there is no setting and we don’t know what anyone looks like. This makes it a bit harder for readers to imagine the story unfolding
- Show don’t tell (click here for the post explaining in detail what’s SDT) We learn from the mouth of the author that he’s a senior, bullied, crushing on his friend, who has a bitchy girlfriend…but what if rather than telling the readers we showed them through a scene where dialogue and action would mix to give us the same info?
My edit
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Another gloom morning at Helrich’s High. I was navigating my way to class among slamming lockers, gossip, and way too much perfume when Dick Head Rushfore slammed into me, causing my coffee to spill all over the floor.
He said, “Sweet Tom Tom, still haven’t learned to bow and get the fuck out of my way after four years of high school?” I looked away as usual, unable to stand up for my worthless self, clutching my semi-empty cup. Just like me. Ha. A familiar voice startled me. “Rushfore, what are you, three? If you have a crush on Tom, pick a number and change out of your caveman outfit.” I turned, eyes wide, to take in Jeff in all of his glory. Six feet of muscle, short tousled hair, brown eyes so deep I lost myself in them every time I tried to remember he was my best friend and Bitch Face Hanna’s boyfriend. Rushfore answered, “What, Jeffy, you bi too, now?” Jeff growled, “Don’t get ideas, Rush, you’re nobody’s type.” Only really confident, straight guys can joke about their sexuality to defend their mopey, bi best friends. Jeff jumped forward and Rushfore recoiled, swearing under his breath and walking away. “Jerks.” I beamed at Jeff. “Bro, thanks! That was--” “Don’t sweat it, gotta go.” To Bitch Face Hanna, of course, who broke your heart cheating on you with a girl. I watched his glorious broad back as he left me in the middle of the hallway, choking with the only secret I had ever kept from him, weighting like a death sentence on the pit of my stomach, heavier every day for the last three years; I’m in love with my best friend, and I’ll never be able to tell him. |
GBA
Who am I to give you advice?
I am the unapologetic, relentless, and very short author of the Italian Saga (#TIS): an irreverent series taking place in Italy and speaking of love, sadness, sex, and happiness with a healthy dose of humor <3
You can check out the books pretty much anywhere includingAmazon and Smashwords, Apple, Barnes & Noble (US and UK), Scribd, Oyster,Kobo, Yuzu, Blio and Inktera OverDrive , Baker & Taylor Axis 360, Gardners (Askews & Holts and Browns Books for Students), and Odilo (2,100 public libraries in North America, South America and Europe). You can also order them at any library or bookstore (bring author name “Gaia B Amman” in case they are not available) and you can get the audiobooks with an Italian accent on Audible!
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